Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. That is why I don’t argue with a politician.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without a sandwich, look out.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
War does not determine who is right ? only who is left… left, oh ya they are the ones holding the protest signs.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
I always take life with a grain of salt… plus a slice of lemon… and a shot of tequila.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
If winning isn’t everything why do they keep score?
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
Some people hear voices… Some see invisible people… Others have no imagination whatsoever.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
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