Ever?
Some say:
he never blinks, and that he roams around the woods at night foraging for wolves…
he’s wanted by the CIA, and that he sleeps upside down like a bat…
that he appears on high value stamps in Sweden, and that he can catch fish with his tongue… ( ladies as well, i expect )
he is illegal in 17 U.S. states, and he blinks this way [motioning his fingers in a horizontal fashion]…
that his breath smells of magnesium, and that he’s scared of bells…
he naturally faces magnetic north and that all of his legs are hydraulic…
that he lives in a tree and that his sweat can be used to clean precious metals…
that his heart ticks like a watch, and that he’s confused by stairs…
that his voice can only be heard by cats, and that he has two sets of knees…
that he’s terrified of ducks, and that there’s an airport in Russia named after him…
his skin has the texture of a dolphin’s, and that where ever you are in the world, if you tune your radio to 88.4, you can actually hear his thoughts…
that he has no understanding of clouds, and that his ear wax tastes like Turkish delight…
that his politics are shocking, and that he once punched a horse to the ground…
that his tears are adhesive, and that if he caught fire, he’d burn for a thousand days…
he can swim seven lengths under water, and he has webbed buttocks…
that his heart is in upside down, and that his teeth glow in the dark…
that his ears aren’t exactly where you’d expect them to be, and that once, preposterously, he had an affair with John Prescott…
he has a digital face, and that if he felt like it, he could fire Alan Sugar…
that his genitals are on upside down, and that if he could be bothered, he could crack the Da Vinci Code in 43 seconds…
his ears have a paisley lining, and he’s been banned from the Chelsea Flower Show…
that the outline of his left nipple is exactly the same shape as the Nürburgring, and that if you give him a really important job to do, he’ll skive off and play croquet…
he invented Branston Pickle, and that if you insult his mother, he will head-butt you in the chest…
that on really warm days, he sheds his skin like a snake, and that for some reason, he’s allergic to the Dutch…
that his first name really is “The,” and that if he went on Celebrity Love Island, they’d all be pregnant including the camera men…
he once threw a microwave oven at a tramp, and long before anyone else, he realized that Jade Goody was a racist pig-faced waste of blood and organs…
that he once had a vicious knife fight with Anthea Turner, and that he is in no way implicated in the cash for honours scandal…
that if you lick his chest, it tastes exactly the same as piccalilli, and that at this week’s Brit awards, he was arrested for goosing Russell Brand…
that he sucks the moisture from ducks, and that his crash helmet is modeled on Britney Spears’ head…
he isn’t machine washable, and all his potted plants are called Steve…
that he’s banned from the town of Chichester and that in a recent late-night deal, he bought a slightly dented white Fiat Uno from the Duke of Edinburgh…
that he gets terrible exema on his helmet, and that if he’d been the video referee at the World Cup Rugby Final, he’d of seen ‘of course it was a try you blind Australian half-whit’…
that to turn him on, you have to run your finger down his face, like this (runs his finger down the face of an audience member standing nearby), and that if he was getting divorced from Paul McCartney, he’d keep his bloody mouth shut
that when he slows down brake lights come on in his buttocks, and that if he’d been the manager of the England football squad last week, he wouldn’t have been a feckless ginger gum-chewing buffoon who ruined it for all of us…
that he once lost a canoe on a beach in the north-east, and that he once did some time in a prison in Canterbury, because his teddy is called The Baby Jesus…
that as we speak he is actually relaxing in the resort pool … and he is, he is actually
all we know is, he’s called the Stig.
